“The RoseBouquet”

We all recall the praise or cruel put-downs we received as children. Often one instance stands out as representative of how others saw us and therefore, how we saw ourselves. You and I know in our hearts, that such words can make or break a child.

In my own case, I remember that people would admire my middle sister, Elsie, and comment on her cute curls. Then they would turn to me, pat me on the head, and say, “And you are mommy’s little helper, aren’t you?”

It seems to me all my life long, I’ve been a little helper to mommy and daddy, and to teachers and bosses, and most of my friends. It is as a helper that I feel fulfilled and accepted. Since my parents were not very demonstrative with verbal approval, I’ve learned to get along without compliments; just give me a chance to be helpful and I’ll be all right.

Just recently I found an article in Readers Digest, which reported a study done by Carol Dweck, a professor of psychology at Stanford University in California. She published her findings in a book called, “Mindset: the New Psychology of Success.” In it she shows parents how to influence their children by praising them effectively.

Praise is good, but there are many kinds of praise, and not all types have the same effect. This researcher’s study proved that if parents praise children for their efforts, it has a better effect than if they praise them for their intelligence.

For example, if you tell your child, “Oh, you are so smart!” or, “I’m proud of you for being so clever,” the child will begin to think that everything is going to come easy to them, - because they are so intelligent. Life doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes intelligence doesn’t solve a problem.

On the other hand, if you tell your child, “You really put forth a good effort. Thank you for trying so hard.” Or, “You can solve that if you stay at it. You’ll learn that yet!” and comments of that nature, you raise your child to be always looking for solutions to everything that they must learn or become skilled in doing. They keep applying themselves to make a strong effort. Naturally, the more they exert themselves, the better they get at whatever they try.

Think back again over the crucial comments made to you when you were young. How have those words affected you all your life to date? Do you see a lesson in that to copy, or something to avoid?

Perhaps we can extend this to how we compliment our friends that we have right now. Do you compliment them on what they are wearing? How smart or intelligent they are? Or do you watch for and zero in on good character traits and for the persistence at learning and doing what is right and good?

I am thankful that from my parents’ examples I have learned to also be resourceful and work at solving problems as they come up. I know this has given me a mindset prepped and ready for success. I see it in little ways, and I know I will succeed in larger ways yet too.